101 Scientifically Justified

ways to be cruel to a hamster

Handy Hints
for making
A Paranormal Hamster

EJK '98

Hamsters aren't particularly paranormal, it has to be said. Big black dogs have cornered the market as vampires and devils, cats and crows are witches familiars. Ghost horse riders obviously need ghost horses or they are going to look a bit stupid. Rats are always found in crypts, bats in belfry's. But hamsters? Who ever hear of a film where you hear that sinister rumbling of the headless hamster rolling down the dark castle corridor in its black plumed hamster ball, coming to suck your blood? Dracula never brought with him a plague of hamsters (though they are actually much more destructive than rats). Conan the Barbarian never did battle with a host of possessed hamsters that had been summoned from the pits of hell by the evil head warlock. There is a means of rectifying this however...

Alien Abduction:
Always take your hamster with you when you go on long drives in your pickup truck at night down deserted roads. If you are lucky enough to live near corn fields, keep your eye out for corn circles and place your hamster within them with a transmitter strapped to it beaming "We come in peace" in Morse code at very low frequencies skywards. After it has been captured, look for tell tale marks of medical examination and sexual experimentation. If it turns out to be pregnant, treat the babies with care and contact the pentagon if they start displaying telekinetic abilities such as lifting the cat 10 fit in the air and beating it insensible against the ceiling, etc.

Firstly, you need to get your hamster in a trance. This can be done with humans using pocket watches, chickens by turning them on their backs very quickly, and with cattle by mesmerising them with low humming and strange hand signals (see Crocodile Dundee for more details). Experiment until you find a method you are most happy with.

Now draw a circle on the floor and place your hamster within it. Then light some candles and begin chanting from your favourite Book of Doom. Your hamster should begin quivering, rolling its eyes and squeaking in something other than its usual voice. Other tell tale signs of successful possession are projectile vomiting, levitation, and ectoplasm (similar to snot, but slightly more spooky).

Once possessed, try asking for dead relatives such as Gordon the Gerbil and Bonkers the dog. It is common during possession for there to be a queue of souls waiting to take possession, so be patient and don't worry if one minute your hamster is woofing, and the next it is purring and cleaning itself.

Another fun thing you might try it setting up a ouiji board and getting Hammy to answer questions by pushing the glass around with its little nose.

Once finished, blow out your candles, rub out the circle on the floor, and snap Hammy out of it. Your hamster should remember nothing of the experience and after a brief rest and some refreshing sunflower seeds, be back to its normal cute fluffy little self.

Spoon Bending:
There are a lot of fakes in this world so take care. If your hamster is demonstrating what seems to be metal bending propensity, (distorted cage bars, frequently escaping etc.) make sure it is genuine by using the approved lab test:-
The human version of this is a small metal rod in a sealed glass tube. If anyone can bend the metal rod within the tube without breaking the tube, they are genuine. The hamster version is to selotape Hammy into its hamster ball, and then challenge it to bend a spoon without breaking the seal on its ball. If it can, sell your story to the newspapers. If it cannot, don't embarrass yourself with false claims.

Ghostly apparition-ing:
First you have to kill your hamster tragically, preferably in period costume. Then bury it in an unmarked grave and dance on it, wrong its children and true love, and cheat all its relatives out of their share of its will. If that doesn't get you haunted, nothing will.