101 Scientifically Justified

ways to be cruel to a hamster

Handy Hints
for making
A Pond Hamster

EJK late '97

Photosynthesis is a means by which plants take light and carbon dioxide and turn this into sugar (i.e. energy). This is done in special little compartments of the cells full of a substance called Chlorophyll aligned in little racks all facing the sun, and these compartments are kept separate from everything else in the cell, but ooze sugar to feed the cells that they contain, and all the rest of the plant.

Obviously, it would be useful to have a photosynthesising hamster in that it would mean big savings on the seed bill. Also, as mammals breath oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide and water, and photosynthesis uses carbon dioxide and water and produces oxygen, thus meaning that a photosynthesising hamster could survive for indefinite periods in a plastic hamster ball, even if the holes were to become blocked.

In order to make a photosynthesising Hamsters, you need to check the following:

A. Fur. In order to maintain an unobstructed light source for the Chlorophyll (that would of course need to be injected just under the skins surface) you would need naked skin. This means you would have to shave your hamster and keep it shaved (regularly dropping it in a vat of Immac then sluicing in a bucket full of water is a time saving possibility).

B. Surface area. You need a huge surface area in order to trap sufficient sunlight to make the energy you need. Therefore, once you have pumped your hamster full of Chlorophyll, try hammering your hamster out to a thickness of 1 millimetre. This may then just about manufacture a small proportion of the energy required to run the hamster (assuming it had survived the flattening in the first place). NOTE: You may have to insert a wire coat hanger or other supporting device into the hamster after flattening to stop your hamster from going all floppy.

C. Sleeping patterns. Hamsters are nocturnal, which is a bit of a bugger really. Try feeding your hamster lots of coffee and cheese for a day or so to realign its sleeping patterns. Alternatively, give it something transparent for nesting material, e.g. bubble wrap etc., then floodlight its sleeping box.

Photosynthesising hamsters can be just as fun as ordinary hamsters. While the usual playtime activities are hindered by their unwieldy proportions, you can have very fulfilling games of Frisbee or tiddlywinks, and a photosynthesising hamster seems totally at home on the a pond, paddling with its back legs and skimming along the surface like a motorised lily-pad. NOTE: Stuffing with a coat hanger also means that a photosynthesising hamster can be hung on the washing line in the sun when you are not playing with it, and it canít get away.

Experiments to try with a photosynthesising hamster:

Feeding it magnesium to make it greener

Depriving it sunlight to make it grow long and tall and all yellow