101 Scientifically Justified

ways to be cruel to a hamster


How to get
Electric Power
from Hamsters

Courtesy of Neil 'T-Shirt' Barham


Stick copper and zinc electrode-needles in opposite ends of hamster. Use in series for higher voltage.

Go to Radio Shack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two AAA batteries.

Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it onto a trampoline.

Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine.

Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal-rights activists and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of electric current.

Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years, drill for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine.

Cold Fusion -> Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary.

Any form of neutron capture / beta emission.

Convince hamsters they're really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters. Install turbine halfway down cliff.

Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small portion of generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure center. Watch him generate his little heart out!

Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells.

Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles. Heat steam turbine.

Accumulate enough hamsters so that the self-gravitational force causes the mass to shrink and heat up. Use thermocouples to generate energy.

Raid electric utilities corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop hamster down CEO's pants unless he gives you a power plant.

Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth. Attach dog sled.

(This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them) Combine the hamster with an equal mass of antimatter -- a anti-hamster if you will. Then harness the massive energy release for power....

a. Find a _good_ genetic engineer.
b. Splice appropriate genes from electric eels into hamsters, because they're smaller and cuter and, well, hamsters.
c. Feed the hamsters.
d. Surgically install appropriate electrodes.
e. Periodically drain off the voltage. Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current. P.S. How could I have been so blind? Splice in genes from blue-green algae as well, and you wouldn't even have to feed the hamsters! (Well, maybe some posphorous and iron and stuff)

Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you power for free.

Crossbreed hamster with Mothra and use resulting giant mutant lightning- breathing hamster as power source.

Give the hamster to Scotty, he'll find some way to yeild 20% more powermore power from the little bugger.

Take thousands of hamsters into orbit -- when the orbit decays, they will heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the planets temperature as much as you want.

Emmass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to begin hamsterfusion in the core. Use solar cells to convert radioation to electricity.

Throw in more hamsters (see above) until the hamsterstar goes supernova... you couldn't want any more energy than that...

Repeat above with another mass of hamsters... spin the resulting neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit... use gravity waves to rotate turbine.

Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that hamsters _are_ electricity. (Well, they've got lots of electrons in them, yes?) Acquire hamsters however you choose; "operationally", you've now got electricity. (I say "five or six hits", because I find that things which were perfectly clear to me after ONE hit make absolutely no sense afterwards, e.g., that the word "Krups" is actually an onomatopeiac piece of German slang for an unprintable Viennese practice, besides Leary used to take five hits or so. QED.)

Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled wires.

Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it to anti- matter. Combine the first hamster with the anti-hamster. Harness the resultant massive burst of energy.

Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the radiated energy.

Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He will try to rub his furry coat against glass rod. Drawback: only creates static electricty.