101 Scientifically Justified

ways to be cruel to a hamster


Food Scare Hamster



Handy Hints
for making
A Food Scare Hamster

EJK '01

There are a number of interesting food scares out at the moment- and most of them can be easily recreating in the home with your funny fluffy friend that is fun to be with.

BSE Hamster
Over a number of generations, get a hamster and feed it the mulched up brains of its parents. When you find one that can't walk without wobbling - grill it and put it between a roll and make a tasty burger of it for yourself or a member of your family. See what entertaining things result.

Genetically Modified Hamster
Insert a gene from a tomato into your hamster and watch it ripen quicken and stay firmer longer. As with the BSE Hamster - then grill it, put it between a roll and feed it to your family. Once they have enjoyed their delicious meal and told you how that hamster was so much tastier than the hamsters they normally have - tell them it was genetically modified and watch everyone panic unnecessarily about it!

(subtext - make sure you release one of your genetically modified hamsters into the wild so it can breed and propagate even if the authorities make you kill off the stock you officially own...)

Factory Farmed Hamster
Enclose your hamster in a cage that it cannot turn round in and keep feeding it until it can't move anyway. As soon as it is mature, breed from it. As soon as the babies are weaned - kill it, mechanically extract all the meat from its body, and make it into tinned meatballs. Feed a % of these to the babies, and the rest to your family. Continue until you get closed down or taken over by Bernard Matthews

Hormone Hamsters
Regularly inject your Factory farmed hamsters with hormones to make them grow bigger and stronger. Feed these hamsters to your family in bread rolls. Over a period of time you should see your children hit puberty at 8 or 9 and your husband grow titties. If they get suspicious, deny everything.

Irradiation Hamster
Milk your hamsters and make a roaring trade. Wait until people start worrying that their milk could be giving them Crohn's Disease, and start irradiating it instead. Watch the interesting dilemma you put people in as they chose between chronic bowel trouble or potential radiation poisoning.

Foot and Mouth Hamster
Get all your hamsters - healthy or not, pile them in a big heap, and burn them. Then stay in the house for three months.

Food Scare Hamster